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Funny and Daft Books

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Balls!: The Alternative Football Annual (Hardcover) £9.99


This is an irreverent, fun-packed spoof, a football annual for adults, and an instant antidote to all those dark winter nights watching your team's latest scoreless bore-draw against the pub eleven from next door. It is for all those insatiable football fans who thought there was no life beyond 'Shoot', 'Match', or 'When Saturday Comes'! Now you can enrich your knowledge of all things football, and more besides, thanks to this rib-tickling mickey-take on the nation's favourite sport. "Balls!" gets to the parts that other books cannot reach, with its topical trivia and scabrous twist on 'the man's game'. It features, other golden balls: Who named their children after the Knights of the Round Table? Which striker invited Rod Stewart to his wedding?

                   

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Smackheads Don't Get Fat £7.99

Sometimes it seems like there will be no end to the procession of trendy diets - Atkins, GI, being French, being Japanese, going to the South Beach, Detox, F-plan and F2 - but here we have it...the Holy Grail of diets, the diet that is guaranteed to work. Like those other diet books, this one has scientific charts and diagrams, action plans, statistics and even the odd recipe. But unlike other diet writers, Dr. C Harlatan - with a little help from his French prostitute friend - offers a diet you'll stick with (and be stick-thin with) until your dying day. Since the diet can involve becoming a speed freak, prostitute oranorexic, your dying day may arrive sooner than you anticipated. But to look on the bright side, dammit, you'll be thin. And that's all that matters! Isn't it?
                   
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Battle of the Sexes: Women Vs. Men £4.99

So which really is the superior gender? For men, the truth is obvious. For women, the truth is equally obvious, but they just don't feel the need to brag about it all the time. "The Battle of the Sexes" (written by a man) nails the argument once and for all. Scrupulously and impartially compiled from incontrovertible sources, the book reaches a truly shocking conclusion. The answer is on page 384
                   
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It Must be True...: I Read it in the Tabloids £5.99

From talking dogs to Buddhist monks recording ringtones, and from celebrity god-botherers to dwarf swallowing hippos, It Must Be True... I read it in the Tabloids confirms that truth is indeed stranger than fiction.. and often a lot funnier.It Must Be True contains the most hilarious, outrageous and improbable items published in the tabloids during the last decade.
                   
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Past Your Sell-By Date Yet?: £4.99

Following on from his success with "Getting Gold is When", the author has produced 80 more cartoons on the subject of age and getting old.
                   
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Greetings in Jesus Name: £8.99

With warm hearts I offer my friendship, and my greetings, and I hope this letter meets you in good time. It will be surprising to you to receive this proposal from me since you do not know me personally. However, I am sincerely seeking your confidence in this transaction, which I propose with my free mind and as a person of integrity. My name is Jacob Kamala the son of Mr. A.Y. Kamala, a farmer from Zimbabwe, murdered in the land dispute in my country. As led by my instinct, I decided to contact you through email...The above, or something similar, is familiar to all of us now: letters asking us for money for orphans, for victims of hurricanes, letters telling us we've won the Spanish lottery, letters telling us we have been contacted because we are known to be of good integrity and could be trusted to bank $30 million in our saving's account, for a generous fee of 10 per cent of the sum. To most of us, the letters are an irritant. To Michael Berry, they are a call to arms.

For the last five years, he has replied to the scammers emails, expressing an interest in their propositions and then spending days, weeks, even months leading them down the garden path with his hilarious requests and misunderstandings. He's had them selling paintings to Del Trotter Antiques, writing out by hand an entire "Harry Potter" novel, booking expensive hotels for his no-show personas, posing with fish on their hands to prove their sincerity (!), believing he's been kidnapped by the CIA, or been killed by an out of control car just outside the office at which he was going to make a payment to them, and cruelest of all falling in love with him as he pretends to be Gillian Anderson. His revenges are funny, often savage and, as he reminds us, wholly justified - these people are heartless thieves. And not only does he entertain us with his leg-pulling, Michael tells us how to bait the scammers ourselves - fun we can all have at home!
                   
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Preparedness Now!: £9.99

This is an essential emergency preparedness and survival guide for savvy civilians. It is volume 1 in the new "Self-Reliance" series - guidebooks to self-sufficiency and personal protection in the face of extreme weather, terrorist attacks and economic uncertainty. Edwards provides information and techniques that can help mitigate the destructive effects of disasters, whatever the cause. With illustrations, photos and step-by-step instructions, this manual delivers practical advice on: the 72-hour emergency kit; water quality control and storage; emergency shelter, power, lighting and heating; emergency transportation, communications and evacuation; chemical, biowarfare and nuclear preparedness; defence against infectious diseases; and personal defence and crime prevention.
                   
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More Flanimals: £4.99

Ricky Gervais's second book on this species takes students to a higher level. For serious flanophiles, Gervais introduces some new members in this advanced Spotter's Guide. Learn about how Flanimals evolved in a wonderfully detailed evolutionary chart. What does the inside of a Flanimal look like? Find out in the section on Flanatomy for Beginners.
                    
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I Hate the Office (500 Reasons Why)£7.99

This work is about an often painful but always witty journey through the daily grind. From the agony of the away day via Hot Desking, office politics, romances and parties to the sheer terror of work reunions or 'teleconferencing', journalist and office escapee Malcolm Burgess exploits the deep vein of cynicism and rebelliousness that runs through every office. The book sprang from the author's weekly column in London's "Metro" newspaper and also includes a unique 'office buzzwords' section drawn from his "Times" column. Better than any stress-ball or executive toy, "I Hate the Office" is the essential weapon in the war against the angst of modern office life.
                    
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1000 Unforgettable Senior Moments (Hardcover) £7.99

"1,000 Unforgettable Senior Moments in History", of which we could remember only 249, is filled with excruciatingly embarrassing and totally true stories of major mental lapses and famous acts of forgetfulness. How about President Jimmy Carter leaving the codes needed to launch a nuclear missile strike in a suit sent to the dry-cleaners? Or Ralph Waldo Emerson forgetting Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's name at Longfellow's funeral? Did you know that Rod Stewart's "Maggie Mae" was inspired by Stewart's first love, a woman whose full name he can longer recall. Sir Isaac Newton, Harpo Marx, Toscanini, Pope John XXIII - they've all had it worse than you.
                   
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Learn to Speak Mafia £7.99

So you wanna be a wiseguy? Have you ever watched Goodfellas on DVD, adopted a friendly-but-menacing expression in front of the bathroom mirror and asked if your reflection thinks you're funny? 'Funny how, like a clown, I amuse you?' Now try that out in authentic Italian. Repeat after me Stylish how-to photographs demonstrate a whole range of genuinely Italian, beautifully disdainful gestures, while a useful glossary will help you to distinguish 'a friend of ours' from 'a friend of mine' at twenty paces. With Italian translations of all of your favourite Mafia film quotes and useful everyday phrases ('You have a lovely restaurant. I would hate to see it accidentally burnt to the ground.'), this book gives you all the ammunition you need to pretend to be 'a made guy'. BadaBING!
                    
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I Hate Other People's Kids (Hardcover) £8.99


Oh the blasphemy! You're not supposed to hate children! They're adorable...aren't they? Well, it's said children are the greatest gift of all. But that doesn't mean you want to be seated next to one on a plane. For the first time, Adrianne Frost lifts the lid on one of our last taboos, and reveals that not all kids are likeable. In fact some are positively crying out to be hated. In this hilarious handbook she guides you through all you need to know about hating Other People's Kids through history, categorizing subspecies of brat, and turning the tables on tearaways without appearing childish yourself. Learn to navigate kids in public places, and discover all the things parents think are cute about their kids ...but are not. And what will you have learned when you come to the end of your journey? That there's a lot more to hate than you first thought.
                    
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The Ginger Survival Guide: £8.99

The burden the modern ginger has to bear is heavy. Mocked by friends and foes alike, or, worse, fetishized for their 'red-hot' sex appeal, at times there may seem like no way out for our carrot-topped heroes. However, help is now at hand. "The Ginger Survival Guide" supplies all the ammunition needed to complete the transformation from ginger whinger to Ginger Ninga quicker than you can say 'Eric the Red' or 'Basil Brush ...'
                    
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Sheep's Miscellany:£7.99

Contains all manner of sheep trivia, from sheep in sport, to literature, religion, and history.
                     
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The John Prescott Kama Sutra £6.99

This work presents a modern interpretation of the ancient guide to love-making, from the Office of the Deputy Prime Minister, the Rt Hon John Prescott MP. "Tantric Phone Sex: Phone sex" is a common enough diversion for lovers the world over. However, this "tantric" version used with Tracey Temple can take many, many hours due to the DPM's inability ever to utter a coherent sentence. "The Bawdroom" - in which Prescott shags his lover on the boardroom table once used by the Admiralty (Tracey said he groped her in this room), as the portraits of distinguished Navy figures look on. "Admiralty Arch-Back - where Prescott stands to attention and his girlfriend salutes him as they have sex standing up at his flat in Admiralty Arch paid for by the taxpayer. Hilarious sex positions and kinky games such as Two Gags, National Yolk and The Bumbachumba will raise more than just a mere smile. Illustrated with amusing cartoons, this really is an entertaining and unique little book. 
                   
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Ducks in a Row: £7.99

"Ducks in a Row" is a humorous dictionary celebrating the new and absurd language of Office English, or Offlish - workplace slang, common jargon, bogus phrases and all the myriad ridiculous idioms that we use to impress and confuse our colleagues and to climb the greasy pole of corporate advancement. It is a book to delight, amuse, instruct and entertain anyone who has ever worked in, or ever will work in, an office.
                     
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The Lost Art of Travel: £8.99

"'At last, a sensible alternative to the usual travel guides with all their sordid advice. An essential companion to any serious (English) traveller' Jack Dee 'Do not dread an occasional night in the open when you are benighted and have no camp. There are few beds more comfortable than a dry ditch in England in June' Frank Tatchell, Vicar of Midhurst, 1923 'Every lady should, to my mind, know how to use a revolver. She may at any time be in China or some other country where there are savage natives' Walter Winans, 1904 * 'Welcome to the cult of couth' - Independent * 'Let Darkwood's rallying cry - "Civility, Poetry, Martini" - ring in smoking rooms and gentlemen's bedchambers everywhere' - ES Magazine"
                    
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Googlies, Nutmegs and Bogeys: £7.99

Some believe that this name is simply a corruption of Athletic, although the more popular and likely theory is that it derives from the word haddock; the club was formed by a group of teenagers in 1905 and sponsored in its early years by a local fish-monger named Arthur Bryan, while they settled at their ground, the Valley. All the wierd and wonderful facts about sport.
                   
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Things We Used to Believe (Hardcover) £6.99

...If you pick your nose your head will cave in ...if you don't have a chimney Santa will come in through the radiator pipes ...having chicken pox means you will turn into a chicken This selection of insights into the unique and often hilarious child's eye view of the world is guaranteed to charm and bewilder in equal measure.
                       
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Big Match Bingo £4.99

In the cliche riddled world of Football...managers take one game at a time, never see the crucial incidents and talk about getting the boys fired up. Players never take credit for their play, do it for the team, get involved, do a job and eventually hang up their boots. Commentators describe the spectacle, discuss the talking points and sit on the fence. Every match is full of cliches, some are boring and old hat, and some entertaining. In "Big Match Bingo", you'll find hundreds of cliches and, it has to be said, a fair bit of footie bullshit. Each is explained and analysed. To entertain you and to get you through the boring and most cliche ridden matches, we've invented the Big Match Bingo card. Just cross off the cliches as the match happens! 
                    
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The Man Who Ate Bluebottles:£7.99

'Catherine Caufield has shown us that eccentrics are fascinating characters ... they add to the gaiety of nations and it would be sad to see them fade away' Patrick Moore, Daily Express'A hilarious compilation ... not to be missed' Good Book Guide'Mad dogs and Englishmen, laid out for public gaze' Fortean TimesUntil he ate a bluebottle, William Buckland had always maintained that the taste of mole was the most repulsive he knew. But that was before he ate the embalmed heart of Louis XVI. William, and a hundred other colourful characters populate the pages of this amusing survey of those strange British people through the ages.
                      
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Places to Hide: £7.99

Sometimes facing up to your problems is just not an option. Dixe Wills reveals the ultimate rural, coastal, urban and mountainous getaways for when life gets a bit too much..."Places to Hide" offers a huge range of hiding places throughout Britain, from a discreet corner of the urban jungle of Birmingham to somewhere just off the coast between Talsarnau and Portmeirion. It gives helpful hints on concealment techniques, from crouching to total identity change, and includes up-to-date information on local sources of food, water and camouflage netting. To provide inspiration, Dixe also recounts the experiences of famous hiders such as King Charles II and Lawrence of Arabia, who have proved true the hider's maxim: 'You can run ? and now you can hide.'
                     
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Is it Just Me or is Everything Shit? £9.99

Bigger, badder, sharper, ruder, funnier, bestier ...this all-new companion volume to the 2005 Christmas bestseller IS IT JUST ME OR IS EVERYTHING SHIT? perfectly complements the first book to form the standard reference work on the shittiness of modern life - like a part-work, only good. Entries include: David Cameron, Lemsip, Baby Asbos, Dream homes, the Chinese Communist Party, Chefs' families, Zac Goldsmith, the Olympics, Credit cards marketed as sources of spiritual enlightenment, Nu-Torture, Cornish nationalism, Detox socks, Stag weeks and Politicians called David. Because, if anything, it just keeps getting worse ...
                     
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The Car Masutra...the Man Who Loves His Car: £9.99

The Car Masutra is timeless humour. Some jokes never change and this is one of them...men and cars! The book focuses from a female standpoint on revealing, explaining and resolving the `torrid` love triangle of man, car and woman.
                    
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Dog Training with Mr Perks (Hardcover) £12.99

What Mr Perks doesn't know about training dogs could fill a book...and here it is. Mr Perks is sporting cartoonist Bryn Parry's invention and has been a regular feature of the gun dog section of "The Shooting Gazette" for years. So popular has Mr Perks' advice been that he has decided to impart some of his vast wisdom, knowledge and skill in book form. In this tome, Mr Perks, sometimes with the help of the formidable Mrs Perks, takes us through the history of the dog, some sporting breeds and then both basic and advanced gundog training. Mr Perks is assisted by several dogs in this task, all unnamed and all very much less important than Mr Perks who considers himself to be the country's leading authority on the subject of dog training...sadly for him, the dogs do not agree. "Dog Training" contains all you will ever need to turn your dog into a Field Trial Champion. There are over a hundred witty cartoons of dogs totally ignoring their trainer and anyone who has ever been humiliated by man's most disobedient friend will love this book.
                     
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How to Pull Women: The Science of Seduction £7.99

Fed up of watching with frustration from the sidelines as smooth operators swoop in and carry off the best pickings? Just when you were resigned to shaving your head and joining the nearest monastery, along comes the answer to your prayers - a paperback guru full of practical advice and proven methods on how to be successful with the opposite sex. Polish your chat-up technique, perfect your personal grooming, hone your seduction skills and increase your range, because once you have the knowledge, no woman is off limits. Armed with this, you will soon exude confidence and charisma, and have the power to turn every play into a successful transaction, getting you hooked up and off the shelf. A world of conquests awaits.

                  


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